Way Down We Go

I haven’t written anything in over a month but I feel now like I really need to. Why has it been so long? I don’t really know. I’ve been depressed. You have no interest in the diets I’ve failed, the weight I lost and then gained back, and the internal struggle I face just about every day. This entire pandemic and this year have really kicked my ass. I tried to beat it but when my ability to support myself was taken from me because Lor closed the restaurants again, I felt like I lost anything I had built back to that point. And the holidays are quickly approaching. This is a rough one, that’s for sure. Damnit. 


Now my mascara soaked tears fall on the keyboard as I ugly sob over yet another failed relationship. I’ve been trying so hard to grasp at the happiness I once possessed and surely deserve but this one wasn’t it either. And the thing is, I lacked a bit of what I needed with this guy but in a time where everything is so negative and bad, his insane amounts of energy and laughter really fulfilled me. I will never put words in anyone’s mouth but this seemed like it wasn’t going to get anywhere a while ago and I was really just informed. I won’t call it time wasted. Really this is the first time I have dated someone for this long and not loved them. But it’s me and of course, I did have some feelings that have now turned to sadness. Don’t tell my mom he made me cry. That shit kills her.


All you ever want is for someone to want you the way you want them. That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. This shouldn’t come to much of a surprise as I’ve become so close with these cats that I’ve been watching for over a month now. I’m the cat lady. I just love anything that wants and also gives affection. I NEED TO BE TOUCHED. Damnit. 


I’m going to be a big girl and not settle for less than what I need but even in times of confusion over this summer, it was always him. The guy plays guitar, loves dessert, has blue eyes, and has the best taste in cover songs. HAVE YOU EVEN MET ME!? It doesn’t even matter that I was outkicking my coverage on this one. He thought I was really cute even though I’m like three sizes above my goal. 


At least I’m not the girl wondering what I could have done differently. Yuck. She still exists in some of you. Until all work I did to get out of that dark hole last year, she existed in me too. Girl, bye.


The thing that really sold me on the idea of the split was when he mentioned how I don’t cope with things and mask pain in substance. This showed me that he genuinely didn’t know me at all. I spent more of 2019 sober than any other year and it was because I was trying to heal. I drink because I enjoy the taste of what I’m drinking (and if you really know me you know that I’ll open something when I get home and it will still be half full hours later when I go to bed). Substances? I wish. Do I take something when my anxiety gets overwhelming? Sure do. Do I abuse drugs anymore? Not on your life. I guess you can't expect much from someone who doesn't even know you.


I feel my feelings harder than anyone I’ve ever met. I’m pretty sure it’s been labeled a disorder of some sort but go fuck yourselves, I can’t help it that I have a lot of feelings. I just want to bake a cake filled with rainbows and smiles, damnit!


When you stop learning about a person after that first night where you stay up for hours and talk about everything, I guess you miss out on a lot. And we did stop having conversations after that night. It was just time spent together that lead to nothing.


Can we talk about how masculinity makes men emotionally unavailable? Oh, we already have? Shocker. 


The one thing I would take back if I could is that now “Only Time” by Enya will make me fucking cry and miss him. Way to ruin another good song, life!


Well, tomorrow is Friday and I can think of nothing I’d rather do than put up my Christmas tree and drink my holiday beer while watching The Mandalorian. If your name isn’t Karen but you just passed judgment on that mid-November Christmas decorating, you go down to the name changing office first thing tomorrow and get it changed. I will NOT put up with you this year.


Damnit. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

People Born in 2000 Can Drink Now

So it’s a new year, but you knew that. New year, same shit dude. Everyone thought last year was the worst but in all honesty, I made some awesome friends and traveled, loved every minute of “work” and didn’t get my heart broken once. You have to try a LOT harder to beat the dumpster fire that was Elizabeth 2019 after 5-15-19.  The irony? Just yesterday, January of 2021, someone else pulled an “I know you already have a flight to Tampa booked for THIS WEEK but I changed my mind so bye” which didn’t trigger me at all…I’m still going because I’ll be damned to miss out on a vacation that I’ve already packed for. You all know the effort it takes to make sure I travel with everything I could possibly need. I’m gonna kayak and adopt a manatee.  I’ll post another time about why we DO NOT date men under the age of 28 at a minimum. Especially when you know damn well what it is that you want and are more than capable of adulting while managing your time wisely.  Christmas and New ...
Read more

In Loving Memory of My Couch

  I got my first apartment when I was 19 years old. I had none of my own furniture at the time so I got an Ashley Furniture credit card (four years, zero interest) and hit up IKEA for the rest. This was the beginning of me having my own stuff. I’ve been called a hoarder for years and I might be… but I’ve worked damn hard for my money and if I choose to spend it on something, I value that item.  I am too stuck up to sleep on a used mattress or sit on someone’s used couch. I mean, seriously. Gross. I know what happens on my couch and mattress so I can only imagine what happens on someone else’s (...grow up). Those were both somewhat pricey investments. I can tell you that the $600 couch I got (that was black velvet material and oh so squishy) moved into that apartment, and then moved four additional times over seven years. It didn’t really look like it belonged in any of my apartments after the first, but I still loved and cared for it.  WHY am I talking to you about a couc...
Read more

Granola Donations Welcome

  It’s been such a long time since I’ve written anything that I may have forgotten how. Nothing new here. Just remodeled my bedroom so I could have a desk because someone decided to eat bat poop so now I can’t sit and study at Starbucks. Also built me a dresser and hung things on the walls like pictures and artwork so it’s like I’m a real adult now (all furniture was purchased from Wayfair and nothing that arrived resembled a child so there you have it).  The traveling has been pretty heavy for the past month and I’m just thrilled to be home. I think I could go another forever without being on a Spirit Airlines flight that costs less than $20 and features screaming one-year-olds on their mother’s lap in the seat directly next to mine. If I haven’t mentioned this before, after a year the child is in fact large enough to go into overhead storage. My Airpods couldn’t even block out that fucking nonsense.  I’m also working on this being organized thing which is much easier wh...
Read more