What is "Word Vomit"


I’ve started doing something in the past year (post “trauma”) that I like to call “word vomit”. It’s when my brain is manic and I’m trying to sort out my thoughts and I cannot stop talking. In situations where I had nobody to speak to, I’d write things in the notes on my phone. It’s a way of telling myself that these thoughts, while seemingly insane and overwhelming sometimes, are also very important. People who stood by me in the past 9 months are all too familiar with my word vomit and would be wealthy if they were able to bill me for the hours they spent on the other line listening to me go off. When I was given a whole pharmacy of prescriptions that were going to help me through that time, one was a seizure medication that’s purpose was to slow my brain the fuck down. It made me sick and I couldn’t take it, which the doctor somewhat expected but thought it would be worth a shot. Manic. Never in my 25 years had my brain functioned at such a manic state. It’s what keeps you up at night, not being able to end the trail of thoughts that start with something random and ends up at the thing you really didn’t want to think about. It started on the 15th of May and it has not stopped since. I am a different person because of this. I appear more anxious, I don't shut up once I've started speaking, and I have this sort of energy that keeps me moving in a frantic way at all times. I also clearly understand the feeling of PTSD and how going back to that moment, where I walked in the door and my whole life was gone, brings me right back there. I've considered taking up acting because I can now be hysterical at the drop of a hat. Certifiably insane. Hi, I'm Elizabeth.

The reason I had to stop my schoolwork was that my manic brain made it impossible for me to focus on anything. Sort of in the way you tell someone you can’t focus so you can get Adderall, but this was serious. It’s something I hadn’t experienced before. Distraction, having Amazon and my phone and other things I’d rather be doing than reading 100 pages on foreign business practices, that was different. That was my excuse for procrastinating before. My brain IS a distraction now. This is my first official week back with a full-time class load, and working all three of my jobs as a nanny and waitress (which I'm sure I will explain in more detail some other time). To say the least, the manic energy has been great for my serving career and my coworkers all think I'm bursting with energy when it may really be that I'm just manic all the time and paired with caffeine, I'm Superwoman. This is a great excuse for me to word vomit all over the paper in the periods of time that I should most certainly be doing schoolwork. I write without the filter that I also lack in person, so attempt to not take any offense to my personal thoughts on things. My mother would really love it if I weren't so honest all the time. 

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