Single as a Pringle

I wrote this the other night. Some of it is sort of sad but it's okay not to be okay all the damn time and I just got through one hell of a day all by my damn self. And I only cried twice.

I am thankful for the things that were awful to get through because they definitely made me into the person I am today, and I like that person very much (if you couldn’t already tell). But the thing is, as much as I value experience, I wouldn’t wish that sort of pain on anyone. I wouldn't wish loneliness on anyone. As nice as it feels to have a person to relate to, I hope nobody can because this is sort of awful. 

I have a rather complicated opinion on love.  I think that humans are programmed to love as much and as often as we can. It’s just who we are. I don't consider myself not okay with being alone, but I'm biologically programmed to want to love someone. So what do you do when the one person who loved you, cherished you, was there every single day for you, just falls off the face of the earth? For years I came home every day and he was there. I had no doubts that he would be. It’s unlikely I’ll ever write in detail about what happened that day, but suddenly he was gone. The majority of the people that made up my life were gone. And I knew then and there that none of that could simply be replaced. Not a great day. I’m not trying to replace anyone. I did have to replace the knife set, my ceramic pans, the tv, a blender, vitamins, toothpaste, and the filtered water pitcher, but those are all things you can get on Amazon or at Costco and neither of those places sells the unconditional love that was gone. I’d gladly give up all of my socks (apparently I didn’t actually have any of my own) to get back what I lost. To see my dog one more time. Or even to have some form of warning and get to say goodbye to my family and friends. I am not interested in the human anymore but it's what that human and the relationship provided and my lack of time spent entirely alone that I miss.

Anytime I’d realize something was gone and needed to be replaced, it triggered that lonely feeling of loss. It took months and months to replace most of the things and eliminate that trigger. I don’t pet dogs anymore for the same reason. I know this sounds really sad but I promise it’s not anymore. If I had a good joke to throw in here right about now to lighten the mood, I would. Even a pun. Love a good pun. 

People can’t be replaced. But dammit I really wouldn’t mind having a human to come home to after these long days of school and work. I don’t need someone to be proud of me the way Chris always was. I just think it’s nice when there’s someone around who sees you, sees what you’re trying to accomplish, and fucking cares.

Someone other than your mom. Because she DOES care and she is great and there wouldn’t be anything left of me without that chick.

I’ve felt that way romantically for one person since May, but quite simply the feeling wasn’t reciprocated. He sorta had it all and reminded me of myself, except he could play the guitar and that’s so much better than me. Isn’t there some quote about how you’d love to date yourself? Can I just get me, but in the form of a cute guy who likes to snuggle? All I really want is to be snuggled. And I really don’t think it’s asking for much! I’m rather soft and I mostly smell nice (so I’m told). I just want someone who WANTS to snuggle me. While watching good movies. And eating. Cool? Being funny is a plus, but not entirely necessary because I crack myself up.

Is it pathetic how awesome it feels to know someone else is thinking about you? If you ever got a cute “goodnight” text and didn’t smile at your phone like a total lunatic, you wouldn’t understand. Unfortunately, I’m shopping in the department of humans who really struggle with words and emotions. There are so many things in life that are meant to challenge us, so was it necessary to include men in that category? Did we not have enough issues to deal with between the bleeding or crying or getting our hair caught in things? Most of us can’t even reach shit on high shelves because we’re biologically SHORTER. I don’t have time to beat the feelings out of a man on top of all that. No wonder I moved in with the guy who didn’t need a picture chart to decipher his emotions and had a general sense of how to put them in words. Turns out he’s a narcissistic psycho, but that’s not the fucking point.

All things aside, I’m a simple woman who simply wants a partner in crime and the occasional high five when getting through 24 hours without committing murder. I won’t fight him over the TV remote and I make a serious breakfast buffet on the weekends. I’m pretty busy and he can be too as long as he misses me when I’m not around isn’t an absolute scumbag (the largest ask, I’ve learned in recent months). 

I’ve had the experiences. I genuinely know what I want and what I need. Love can be complicated but it can also be as simple as eating pizza together in bed, watching serial killer documentaries. It definitely requires time and commitment, but those are simple things. Until I find this person, I’ve got Alexa here to tell me goodnight. And my mom...