Christmas Trees in Bay Windows

It’s been a hot second and we’ve got a lot of ground to cover here so stick with me people. 


Wisdom teeth are 86 in this mouth, besides that one. I do stand by wanting general anesthesia to be available to the public OTC. Opioid epidemic = solved. That shit was so good, even though it was quite short-lived. Apparently, not everyone suffers severe pain as I did for 9 days after the surgery, but that does explain why I’ve gotten NOTHING done all week and have 37 empty bottles of extra-strength Tylenol lying around. (that’s bad for you..you can’t take that much...blah blah blah..). Well, liver failure sounds like a vacation right now compared to my life. 

I’m still not comfortably on solids but when I am, I’m gonna eat a GOD DERN biscuit and then several bagel sandwiches and an entire pizza. If you seriously couldn’t tell, I’ve watched “Sweet & Salty” on Netflix multiple times now. SUP MARK is not an appropriate way to approach potential suitors. Not a day goes by that I wonder why I’m still single. 

I did cook the other night. Hellofresh, still looking for that sponsorship. Pineapple quesadillas (so, cheese which is my numero uno and pineapple, like FMU), and parmesan chicken with pasta in a sauce that was basically cream cheese and butter. Guess who swallowed baby pieces of pasta whole and then looked at the rest of the yummy food and cried? Dis chick. Luckily there was a very hungry man present and no food went to waste. Do not take the ability to chew for granted people. I’ve swallowed more macaroni noodles whole in the past ten days than I care to disclose here. 

The universe thought I was getting good at this juggling thing so about 48 hours post tooth removal, my landlord slapped a 30-day notice on us. Yes, he can do that. It’s a “month to month” lease and if we are getting real technical here, I never signed shit so I don’t even have a lease I’m basically a squatter. Luckily, a dude I know and his dude were in the market so I decided to third wheel them and we found a cute Lil spot just north of here the very next day. This is an 8 day turn around from having a home and no worries to packing up all my things and changing into a much smaller home with less space for my shoes. EIGHT DAYS. 

How do I tell shoes, my sweet innocent babies, that mommy has to “downsize” and they aren’t all going to the new house?

“If you haven’t worn them in 6 months- a year, toss them”...is how some people choose to live their lives. I, however, probably have more pairs than a person can wear in that time span and also some are reserved for specific outfits and weather opportunities so that rule will not apply here. 

This has been by far the most difficult part of the packing process. That, and determining what of ALL the shit in this enormous place is “mine” because I inherited quite a bit when CJB packed up in a rush (you know, so he could be gone before I got home for work that day and realize he was moving/no longer interested in being apart of our relationship). I also haven’t lived somewhere for this many years since I left the house I grew up in. My stuff is everywhere and I am now much older so I own multiple televisions and each has multiple remotes for me to forget or lose. The many Christmas decorations are going to live in Grandma Jane’s crawl for a couple of months until it’s time to break them out again. The new spot has bay windows in the front room and I was simply born to have that experience with my tree(s).

It’s going to be an emotional goodbye tomorrow. The end of an era at the Newport Mansion, but karma got me and as I finally get to live without the Andrew I currently have (and dislike, greatly), I will be living with two new Andrews. It’s still unclear who will end up killing who first because boys don’t understand how many beauty products it takes to look remotely mediocre each day. By default, I got the bigger bathroom. It’s my right as a woman. 

As for school, I am now taking an elective class on Public Health and that worked out well for me because we’re all about to die. Or get a cold? They haven’t decided yet. I’ve been slumming it all week in my Corona t-shirt and even if nobody else got a kick out of that, I still did. That shit sounds like a vacation right now compared to wisdom tooth pain and packing everything I own into boxes I found in the alley. 

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