Elevensies?

I used to be the person that was so incredibly cool and so desperate for others to know my love for getting stoned that I’d say, “Happy Holidays” on 4/20. Today is 4/20/20. WOAH,  DUDE.
After over a month in quarantine, I have finally gotten around to my Lord of the Rings movie marathon. I just want to put it out there that anyone who thought to make the extended version only available for purchase should be imprisoned. 
I haven’t watched any of these since I was a senior in high school. Holy shit. I’m still on the Fellowship and I had forgotten so many things. This movie came out when I was 7 or 8 and I watched it then but it is scary as fuck now. Even with CGI that is 20 years old. Lurtz, the “lead” Orc, makes me want to cry. No wonder I’m afraid of the dark. I was also allowed to watch an Indiana Jones movie as a child where some guy’s heart was ripped from his chest and someone was lowered into a volcano to burn to death. This might explain some of the resentment I had for my parents as a teenager. 
So a couple of Lord of the Rings thoughts and then we can move on here. 
  1. Merry and Pippin are the roots of our problems. Constantly making noise, starting fires and throwing rocks that wake something up and get the group nearly killed every time. 
  2. Boromir is a bit of a butt head and that’s hard for me to watch now after many years of dedication to Ned Stark. 
  3. I completely forgot how many times Frodo gets stabbed just in the first movie alone. 
  4. Why on earth do we call ANYONE “Sam” now and not “Samwise”? Who decided to name their child Sam or Samantha or Samuel and not even “Samwise”? 
  5. This is the first time Cate Blanchett has ever made me feel genuinely uncomfortable.
  6. Viggo as Aragorn is really just the best looking fictional character there is. I mean duh Legolas but he comes from a community of perfect people. Another really great, underutilized name. 



I will elaborate more on my recent illness when I get test results back in a couple of days from the Coronavirus test. What I will say now is that you want nothing to do with having someone stick something so far up your nose that it reaches beyond the back of your eyeball. Super not cool. What’s also not cool is being trapped not only inside, but in your postage stamp-sized bedroom to avoid infecting your roommates. It has been a challenging week and I’m getting a little crabby over it all. Thank you to the many people who have reached out with concern or well wishes. I will know whether or not I am able to safely lick people within the next few days. 
Seriously though, these Orcs are really horrifying and I doubt they are going to offer the hobbits they just kidnapped Second Breakfast. 
I really just need someone to love me the way Sam loves Frodo. I also think that anyone who does everything without shoes on is my spirit animal. 
There are so many things going on today that we can be upset and frustrated by. I’ve been saying for years that there are certain groups of people that need to be sterilized and I stand behind that still. For those of you still clinging to what’s left of your sanity, grab another puzzle, send a Smirnoff Ice to a friend, try making a harder recipe than fucking cookies, get high and hunker down because it ain’t over yet. 
Keep an eye out for my upcoming movie reviews where I go further in-depth on my love for Viggo Mortensen circa 2000.



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