The One Where She Rambles on About Nothing

Let’s play a game called “Is It My PTSD or Is It Just Adulting?”

I have always been notorious for living in a dumpster fire. As I got older and memes became a thing, I definitely started to realize that I wasn’t really alone. Someone actually got the word “adulting” to become of normal use in our everyday language and we all know it means doing bullshit things that are often required in order to stay alive when you no longer can make your parents do everything for you. It’s the freedom to make your own decisions and the crippling anxiety that comes with making your own decisions. For example at Home Depot this morning, as I was picking out new covers for my patio furniture cushions, I felt very much like a grown-up. I eventually did what I always do and got some on Amazon, but they were $88 and that's called an adult purchase.

This is coming from someone whose job it is to keep other small humans alive while their parents work. Even then, it doesn't hit me that I am the adult in the room. I work specifically with infants and toddlers because they can't realize that I won't even eat half the shit I give to them and they appreciate naps as much as I do.

We are just living in this world where it's the millennials and all those other guys. And we've all got some form of anxiety. It's sweet. Am I the only person that thinks our worries will lessen once the baby boomers are dead? I mean, we will still be fucking poor because we won’t have social security but COVID-19 tried man. 

No, Stacy, I don’t wish your parents would die. I’ve just been contributing to their retirement since I was 17 and won’t get the luxury of spending my final years somewhere in Florida near a golf course. Makes me crabby. 

I started writing this because my concentration has been absolutely fucked for the past year and I wanted to make a point but I literally can’t even concentrate on this. I can’t do homework. I can’t read a book for more than 7 pages. I don’t remember the last time I actually paid full attention to what was on my TV and the idea of actually completing simple tasks is really daunting. Anxiety: brought to you by adulting. Increased anxiety, leading to severe concentration issues, brought to you by PTSD. I used to think the issue was not having enough time but the issue really is that even if I had nothing to do all day like I was stuck at home during a pandemic, I still couldn’t manage to do the same thing for more than minutes without losing focus. 

My entire degree is online and based on learning through READING. That was never easy or fun for me but I was able to do it. I’d sit down and get into whatever the fuck and take pages of notes and actually retain information. Concentration issues are really not that abnormal but have you ever taken a crapload of Adderall and still weren’t able to concentrate on a single thing? I’ve been reading the same book since sometime in January. I’m five-hundred and something pages in but for the life of me, I just can’t finish it. I’m actually in the “middle” of five or six different books for this exact reason. 

If Stephan fucking King cannot hold your attention, you’re fucked. I did finish The Outsider from cover to cover and that was fantastic, but that’s been the only book I've started and finished in over a year. 

It’s sort of fun to watch my agitation turn into increased usage of the word “fuck”. Completely unintentional. 

Pot was my DOC when I was in high school and my options were limited. Lace it with Oxy. Super fun high. Then I got into the industry and someone introduced me to uppers. It’s been a good time ever since. I have no desire to feel heavy and unmotivated like the non-human blob I become when I’m stoned. It made me not want to do anything or be anywhere. I can’t say that I ever really enjoyed the feeling. I still do not. But I take a hit daily now because it takes the slightest edge off of my insanity. 

If you haven’t smoked CBD yet, you’re doing yourself a disservice. You don’t get high. You are dead sober. Your mind isn’t altered in the slightest. You wouldn’t even know you smoked something except the part where you’re so calm that you could either sleep or peacefully watch a plane crash. CBD is the marijuana without the THC to make you stoney bologna. You couldn’t get anxious if you fucking tried. It is gold. It also heals people and helps with pains and whatever else so I really highly recommend consuming some, in oil or a pill or something, daily anyway. No studies yet on if it cures stupidity. 

Susan is upset now because she thinks I am encouraging drug use and have given you creative ways to get high. I am not. I am simply saying that smoking a little tiny bit has helped chill me out. I don’t think you should do drugs. Besides ecstasy every once in a while when you’re old enough. IYKYK. Don’t ever take anything and then drive. Got it, folks? 

Is it just me or are you starting to feel as though there was no actual point to this? Normally writing helps me somehow but I feel 0 relief right now. I can’t even enjoy this red wine because red really requires a mood and that mood isn’t manic anxiety with a side of ADHD. I guess those two are the same thing because the H stands for hyperactive and the “manic” part of my anxiety is really just hyperactive anxiety. Either way, the addy isn’t helping. 

So Elizabeth, you’ve now taken an amphetamine, smoked pot, and are drinking. What do you have to say for yourself?

That’s the adulting part. If you aren’t doing all or most of those things, you are not adulting correctly.