Annual Bail

It took one year living in the city during the 4th of July to realize I couldn’t handle it. People set off bombs right outside your apartment and not knowing it’s coming, you’re both scared to death and concerned at the glassware shaking in your cabinets. For someone who doesn’t do loud, sudden noises- I’m good with that.

Last year we opted to fly to Nola and jump a cruise ship to Mexico during the first week of July. I didn’t hear a single firework. Life wasn’t great but it was perfect at the same time. Years before last, my ex got us a room at a little hotel outside of Lake Geneva where I couldn’t hear a thing. I sometimes just go to my mom’s place in the suburbs but the rednecks out there sure love their explosives and it’s not much better for me. The middle of the ocean is really ideal.

This year, I opted to make NOLA an annual trip. I happen to know someone who’s staying there and has agreed to let me sleep on the king-size bed while he takes the couch. We can call him Clint (it’s Clint dammit, CLINT).  Since it’s sort of an “end of quarantine” vacation before it’s officially official that I’m back to the real world, I’ve turned it into a week and a half adventure that will include a couple other coastal cities and lots of sun. I’d like to thank the fuckhead that took my life away for all the Southwest points I used for my flights. Costing me a whole $3 to fly down. Crazy.

Don’t mistake my gratitude- I still hope he gets the Rona and loses both his legs in a freak accident and suddenly becomes allergic to the sun. Because he deserves it.

Anyone who really knows me knows that a ten-day trip will require three large bags, minimum. Sorry that I like to be prepared? After a couple of years of traveling frequently, I’ve got it down to a science. Portable speakers, chargers, quick-drying towels, earplugs, skincare for heavy sun exposure, Purell Wipes (which was a must-have even before the pandemic), bandaids, travel blanket for cold planes, extra socks, waterproof phone cases, and sleeping pills. Plus everything else I own. I think my ultimate goal this trip is to wear all of my best summer outfits and finish at least one book while I’m gone.

Things like this most people who know me already know. They expect excessive luggage and don’t get me latex balloons for my birthday. But there are some random consistencies many people may not know. If you don’t actually care, feel free not to read the list.

1. I’m supposed to wear glasses when I drive at night
2. I almost always order an espresso martini after a meal
3. I have an overwhelming need to climb things. Trees, mountains, countertops.
4. I would absolutely never wear shoes if it was socially acceptable. Socks either.
5. My pain tolerance doesn’t exist. Paper cuts make me cry hysterically
6. Neither one of my parents has a single tattoo and my mom only has 3 ear piercings (I’m at 3 &14 piercings, my sister is covered in ink)
7. Quarantine was the first time I painted my own nails in a decade
8. It makes me incredibly upset when people put vegetables in their eggs
9. I am “afraid of the dark” and don’t enjoy being outside late at night without a lot of lights
10. I’m missing an adult tooth. It’s only visible when I smile too big or laugh
11. I didn’t realize I was gay (bisexual) until I was almost 20. Not super into men when I’m drunk
12. Despite my chosen profession, I do not enjoy children.
13. I started smoking when I was 15. Quit several times since
14. I genuinely think I look like a boy without any form of makeup on
15. I have TANorexia
16. I listen to one song on repeat during takeoff on a plane. For 10-25 minutes
17. I almost always write in cursive, mainly notes for school
18. My cream cheese to bagel ratio is a 2:1 at the absolute minimum
19. If I had to buy milk, I’d buy skim because that’s what I was raised on and it tastes better