I Come Off Better In Writing

I haven’t written anything in weeks because I’m transitioning back to work and spending lots of time with all of my kids. Also, what could I possibly say about any of this dumpster fire that is the United States currently? I mean, really. It is absolutely mad to see how this year has transformed. We are almost back to “reopening” the city. I think I’ve grown quite content with my lifestyle over the past two-plus months and wouldn’t really mind continuing on this way for a bit longer. And by “this way”, I mean not working but still collecting unemployment. The dream, if you will. I can say this because I have gotten a few days in with my kids in the past weeks and every part of me that missed them is long gone.  Only some people will be able to relate to raising a baby from the time they are a nothing-- and rely on you to feed them, hold them, put them to sleep-- to the time they are old enough to tell you “no”. My “OG” baby if you will is now three years old, proficient in s...

Let’s play a game called “Is It My PTSD or Is It Just Adulting?” I have always been notorious for living in a dumpster fire. As I got older and memes became a thing, I definitely started to realize that I wasn’t really alone. Someone actually got the word “adulting” to become of normal use in our everyday language and we all know it means doing bullshit things that are often required in order to stay alive when you no longer can make your parents do everything for you. It’s the freedom to make your own decisions and the crippling anxiety that comes with making your own decisions. For example at Home Depot this morning, as I was picking out new covers for my patio furniture cushions, I felt very much like a grown-up. I eventually did what I always do and got some on Amazon, but they were $88 and that's called an adult purchase. This is coming from someone whose job it is to keep other small humans alive while their parents work. Even then, it doesn't hit me that I am the...

Today I turned 26. Nothing too exciting. I am lakeside in a house I rented for a week, chillin’ in the new portable hammock that my father got for me, avoiding the flood that is currently the state of Illinois. There’s a fire pit out back and I bought the square-shaped ‘mellies that are created specifically for successful s’more assembly. I thought it would be fun to throw it back to the very beginning of my days. Let y’all start to understand why this day is so important to not just me but humanity. The early 1990s: Jane and Larry have successfully had a daughter through in-vitro fertilization. They name her Emily. She’s just okay. *I had mentioned maybe one other time that my mother’s appendix ruptured when she was a little leading to her inability to get preggo the traditional way. Enter, Science.   Anyway, the first child was sorta cute but people tend to want one of each. Or just more than one. So the kids can watch each other, probably. My parents continue to try ...

*Writing this was therapeutic. The entire reason that I am the way I am today is because of what happened. This is the day that the word vomit began. This is probably the last time I will say most of these things.  And just like that, in what I feel was shorter than the blink of an eye, it’s May again. I probably wouldn’t know this if it weren’t for May the 4th followed by Cinco De Mayo which gave us so many good Taco Baby Yoda memes. As far as I’m concerned, it could still be March. When did March end? I can’t stop myself from going there. Not now that it’s May and I feel the anxiety slowly coming back. I’ve always sort of measured things by thinking “a year (or two, three years) ago I was doing this”. I’ll even do it in shorter periods, like weeks or months. Three weeks ago I was sick, three months ago none of us knew this shut down was coming. It’s that this doesn’t feel like it’s been a year. This doesn’t even feel like it actually happened. Maybe in some other para...

I know you think this is going to be another LOTR review and I’m so sorry to disappoint. Maybe I’ll throw a few opinions in if I run out of other useless nonsense to talk about. Yesterday was nice and I got outside for the first time after not seeing sunlight in nearly a week. My mom told me to not say this, but I very much compare it to the first time Anne Frank walked outside. I have never had such an experience with my eyes adjusting to light after an extended period of darkness. Again, I am only using these comparisons when they apply and I in no way consider this the equivalent of the holocaust. I just feel like Anne and I would get each other. Today, I considered taking a screenshot every time someone sends me that crying laughing emoji. It’s like proof that I’m funny. Might be a good way to save all the jokes that hit. Also, I’m usually not joking so that’s sorta annoying. Does that mean I’m naturally funny or people don’t take me seriously? Don’t answer that. It’s officially o...

I used to be the person that was so incredibly cool and so desperate for others to know my love for getting stoned that I’d say, “Happy Holidays” on 4/20. Today is 4/20/20. WOAH,  DUDE. After over a month in quarantine, I have finally gotten around to my Lord of the Rings movie marathon. I just want to put it out there that anyone who thought to make the extended version only available for purchase should be imprisoned.  I haven’t watched any of these since I was a senior in high school. Holy shit. I’m still on the Fellowship and I had forgotten so many things. This movie came out when I was 7 or 8 and I watched it then but it is scary as fuck now. Even with CGI that is 20 years old. Lurtz, the “lead” Orc, makes me want to cry. No wonder I’m afraid of the dark. I was also allowed to watch an Indiana Jones movie as a child where some guy’s heart was ripped from his chest and someone was lowered into a volcano to burn to death. This might explain some of the resentment I ...

*This was originally written yesterday in a notebook* Picture this:  Me, lounging on a hammock in the middle of nowhere with a cold beer (“cider”), and my book, wearing an unflattering bikini because it’s 77 and sunny, with my speaker next to me playing some Florence & The Machine.  Sounds nice, right? Besides the winter/isolation body in a bathing suit. I don’t have to picture it because that, my quarantined friends, is my current situation.  I’ve been doing my part and staying home for the last three weeks. Then a very summer-like day popped up on my radar and I had the idea to take a long bike ride. Ya know, be outside but still away from everyone. Ask Lori, us Chicagoans can’t be inside when we finally get a beautiful day after midwest winters.  Karen, I fucking know already. I’m not part of the problem, I was going to ride somewhere that wasn’t populated. You don’t have to go that hard to find a cornfield around here.  I digress. R...

Remember as you read these posts that I am working toward being published one day in a book about “how they lived” during these months of quarantine. Maybe my blogs will be in a more specific book about how the struggling Millenials handled this time. Regardless, the details may seem mundane now but they are necessary for the education of this earth’s future.  Today I ate a banana and then I had a cranberry orange muffin then I had some scrambled eggs and I had a coffee with breakfast and also some collagen water. It was strawberry flavored.  Kidding.  The truth is I’m running out of things to say. I don’t even bother spending all day on the phone with people because there is no new information . If you are one of the more valuable occupants of this planet and understand a good “Friends” reference, I read that in Pheobe’s voice from The One Where Everybody Finds Out . She technically says “brand new information”, but tomato tomato.  I guess there is this...