I Come Off Better In Writing

I honestly think as humans the most important thing we can do is put ourselves in other people's shoes. It’s likely you’ve had enough life experience where you can imagine how you would personally feel in their position. It’s all about perspective. When someone upsets me and I’m telling them what they did, I’m not saying, “hey fuck you for being this way” because 9/10 times it wasn’t intentional. I’m not out here to make anyone feel bad about themselves. Everyone has been on the other side of that and it feels really crappy. You don’t need everything you’ve ever done wrong thrown in your face. I remember times when I’d be getting dumped and he’d give me a list of the things I did wrong. I’d feel so horrible and want to take back any one of those things, then wonder if it would be different if I could change those past events.  That being said... If I were the person dating me and had to keep up with my sarcasm, hanger, solid jokes including “your mom” comebacks, hormonall...

As I have made abundantly clear over the past 13 months, I take advantage of the opportunity to do things that make me happy. Most recently, that included a vacation to the places that serve grits. Flew down to NOLA a year almost to the day that we went last year. No open container laws, try it sometime. This isn’t an excuse to get belligerent, it just lowers restrictions on when and where you can be drinking a margarita. For those who have never been, there are two things you must do in New Orleans.  One: Beignets at Cafe Du Monde. This was my second time and I couldn’t have been happier.  Two: Drink a Handgrenade. Not first thing in the morning. Have some sort of food in your stomach. The cup looks like a green grenade, the drink is green (option to have it frozen or “over ice” which is out of a soda gun) and they put a little plastic green “hand grenade” on the top as a garnish. It’s good at first. Once you’ve done this, you’ll feel it gradually hit you (and I’m q...

It took one year living in the city during the 4th of July to realize I couldn’t handle it. People set off bombs right outside your apartment and not knowing it’s coming, you’re both scared to death and concerned at the glassware shaking in your cabinets. For someone who doesn’t do loud, sudden noises- I’m good with that. Last year we opted to fly to Nola and jump a cruise ship to Mexico during the first week of July. I didn’t hear a single firework. Life wasn’t great but it was perfect at the same time. Years before last, my ex got us a room at a little hotel outside of Lake Geneva where I couldn’t hear a thing. I sometimes just go to my mom’s place in the suburbs but the rednecks out there sure love their explosives and it’s not much better for me. The middle of the ocean is really ideal. This year, I opted to make NOLA an annual trip. I happen to know someone who’s staying there and has agreed to let me sleep on the king-size bed while he takes the couch. We can call him Cli...

I haven’t written anything in weeks because I’m transitioning back to work and spending lots of time with all of my kids. Also, what could I possibly say about any of this dumpster fire that is the United States currently? I mean, really. It is absolutely mad to see how this year has transformed. We are almost back to “reopening” the city. I think I’ve grown quite content with my lifestyle over the past two-plus months and wouldn’t really mind continuing on this way for a bit longer. And by “this way”, I mean not working but still collecting unemployment. The dream, if you will. I can say this because I have gotten a few days in with my kids in the past weeks and every part of me that missed them is long gone.  Only some people will be able to relate to raising a baby from the time they are a nothing-- and rely on you to feed them, hold them, put them to sleep-- to the time they are old enough to tell you “no”. My “OG” baby if you will is now three years old, proficient in s...

Let’s play a game called “Is It My PTSD or Is It Just Adulting?” I have always been notorious for living in a dumpster fire. As I got older and memes became a thing, I definitely started to realize that I wasn’t really alone. Someone actually got the word “adulting” to become of normal use in our everyday language and we all know it means doing bullshit things that are often required in order to stay alive when you no longer can make your parents do everything for you. It’s the freedom to make your own decisions and the crippling anxiety that comes with making your own decisions. For example at Home Depot this morning, as I was picking out new covers for my patio furniture cushions, I felt very much like a grown-up. I eventually did what I always do and got some on Amazon, but they were $88 and that's called an adult purchase. This is coming from someone whose job it is to keep other small humans alive while their parents work. Even then, it doesn't hit me that I am the...

Today I turned 26. Nothing too exciting. I am lakeside in a house I rented for a week, chillin’ in the new portable hammock that my father got for me, avoiding the flood that is currently the state of Illinois. There’s a fire pit out back and I bought the square-shaped ‘mellies that are created specifically for successful s’more assembly. I thought it would be fun to throw it back to the very beginning of my days. Let y’all start to understand why this day is so important to not just me but humanity. The early 1990s: Jane and Larry have successfully had a daughter through in-vitro fertilization. They name her Emily. She’s just okay. *I had mentioned maybe one other time that my mother’s appendix ruptured when she was a little leading to her inability to get preggo the traditional way. Enter, Science.   Anyway, the first child was sorta cute but people tend to want one of each. Or just more than one. So the kids can watch each other, probably. My parents continue to try ...

*Writing this was therapeutic. The entire reason that I am the way I am today is because of what happened. This is the day that the word vomit began. This is probably the last time I will say most of these things.  And just like that, in what I feel was shorter than the blink of an eye, it’s May again. I probably wouldn’t know this if it weren’t for May the 4th followed by Cinco De Mayo which gave us so many good Taco Baby Yoda memes. As far as I’m concerned, it could still be March. When did March end? I can’t stop myself from going there. Not now that it’s May and I feel the anxiety slowly coming back. I’ve always sort of measured things by thinking “a year (or two, three years) ago I was doing this”. I’ll even do it in shorter periods, like weeks or months. Three weeks ago I was sick, three months ago none of us knew this shut down was coming. It’s that this doesn’t feel like it’s been a year. This doesn’t even feel like it actually happened. Maybe in some other para...

I know you think this is going to be another LOTR review and I’m so sorry to disappoint. Maybe I’ll throw a few opinions in if I run out of other useless nonsense to talk about. Yesterday was nice and I got outside for the first time after not seeing sunlight in nearly a week. My mom told me to not say this, but I very much compare it to the first time Anne Frank walked outside. I have never had such an experience with my eyes adjusting to light after an extended period of darkness. Again, I am only using these comparisons when they apply and I in no way consider this the equivalent of the holocaust. I just feel like Anne and I would get each other. Today, I considered taking a screenshot every time someone sends me that crying laughing emoji. It’s like proof that I’m funny. Might be a good way to save all the jokes that hit. Also, I’m usually not joking so that’s sorta annoying. Does that mean I’m naturally funny or people don’t take me seriously? Don’t answer that. It’s officially o...

I used to be the person that was so incredibly cool and so desperate for others to know my love for getting stoned that I’d say, “Happy Holidays” on 4/20. Today is 4/20/20. WOAH,  DUDE. After over a month in quarantine, I have finally gotten around to my Lord of the Rings movie marathon. I just want to put it out there that anyone who thought to make the extended version only available for purchase should be imprisoned.  I haven’t watched any of these since I was a senior in high school. Holy shit. I’m still on the Fellowship and I had forgotten so many things. This movie came out when I was 7 or 8 and I watched it then but it is scary as fuck now. Even with CGI that is 20 years old. Lurtz, the “lead” Orc, makes me want to cry. No wonder I’m afraid of the dark. I was also allowed to watch an Indiana Jones movie as a child where some guy’s heart was ripped from his chest and someone was lowered into a volcano to burn to death. This might explain some of the resentment I ...

*This was originally written yesterday in a notebook* Picture this:  Me, lounging on a hammock in the middle of nowhere with a cold beer (“cider”), and my book, wearing an unflattering bikini because it’s 77 and sunny, with my speaker next to me playing some Florence & The Machine.  Sounds nice, right? Besides the winter/isolation body in a bathing suit. I don’t have to picture it because that, my quarantined friends, is my current situation.  I’ve been doing my part and staying home for the last three weeks. Then a very summer-like day popped up on my radar and I had the idea to take a long bike ride. Ya know, be outside but still away from everyone. Ask Lori, us Chicagoans can’t be inside when we finally get a beautiful day after midwest winters.  Karen, I fucking know already. I’m not part of the problem, I was going to ride somewhere that wasn’t populated. You don’t have to go that hard to find a cornfield around here.  I digress. R...